i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My ass is underappreciated
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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