the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
