I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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