I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
