I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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