Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
