In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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