Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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