I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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