First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
