apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
