More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
