I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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