Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
