i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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