Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
