there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
