Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't deserve a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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