Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
