Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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