Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Who died my cat blue again?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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