ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
