he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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