I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
