we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
