I met the friendliest cop last night
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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