It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
