I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
