it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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