he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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