So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
