I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
