So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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