I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
