I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
