just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Four minutes until I can fart!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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