Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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