Moan for me like Helen Keller
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
