Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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