honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
