I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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