I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
