I want you more than these girls want KFC
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize