The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
