I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
