i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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