My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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