so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
