oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
