did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
