I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
