You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This is my gift to your gina
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
