I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This toilet bowl is my home.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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