Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
