Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
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My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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