I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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