If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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