she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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