I heard we made out
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
